Chapter 3 - The Face of Self-Esteem
Note to the reader: This is chapter 3 of an 11 part series of notes / important ideas gathered from my reading of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
What Does Self-Esteem Look Like?
This chapter is a discussion on how self-esteem expresses itself in life.
Self-esteem expresses itself with a face, manner and way of talking that projects the pleasure one takes in being alive.
Because self-esteem requires one to have a friendly relationship with the truth, it is easy to talk about accomplishments or shortcomings with directness and honesty.
Self-esteem expresses itself in the comfort and ease of giving complements, acknowledging the achievements of others, and showing affection.
It expresses itself with an openness towards acknowledging mistakes and then taking steps to correct them - because self-esteem has nothing to do with perfection - and a lot more to do with taking pleasure in the experience of being alive.
Self-esteem expresses itself when there is congruence between one’s words and one’s actions. There is harmony in how one looks, sounds, and moves.
Self-esteem expresses itself in openness to new experiences.
It expresses itself through openness when responding to change and new challenges - since trust of one’s mind knows that a way can be found to succeed.
It expresses itself through comfort with self-assertiveness.
On a purely physical level, self-esteem expresses itself through eyes that are alert, bright and lively. A face that is relaxed with good skin vibrancy (barring illness). A chin that is in alignment with one’s body. A relaxed jaw.
A person who presents themselves as sharp, with good posture, but yet relaxed - completely comfortable in who they are as a person.
Notice the theme of relaxation occurs again and again. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are. Chronic tension conveys a message of some form of internal split, some form of self-avoidance or self-repudiation, some aspect of the self being disowned or held on a very tight leash.
Self-Esteem in Action
Branden states that self-esteem is significantly correlated with the following traits: rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness.
It can be deduced that because high self-esteem is reality oriented, that the correlations between the above mentioned traits and self-esteem are apparent.
In this chapter, Branden further examines each trait and how it shows up in one’s actions.
Rationality
Rationality is defined as the pursuit of meaning and an understanding of relationships. Its’ guide is the law of non-contradiction - nothing can be true and not true (A and non-A) at the same time and in the same respect. Rationality is the base respect for facts, and for the truth.
Realism
No one can feel competent to cope with the challenges of life, who is unable to distinguish between what is real and unreal. High self-esteem is intrinsically reality oriented.
If you are capable of navigating your life, and of achieving your goals in the real world - in a word, if you have high self-efficacy, then you have a good grasp on what is real and what is unreal.
Additionally, since there is a relationship between self-respect and the truth (and your ability to manage it and live up to it), intrinsically this act requires a high level of realism. A good relationship with reality.
Intuitiveness
When handling complex decisions where the number of variables that need to be processed is greater than what the conscious mind is capable of grasping, complex, super-rapid integrations can occur beneath conscious awareness and present themselves as intuitions.
The mind can then scan for supporting data of these intuitions.
A mind that has learned to trust itself is more likely to rely on this process (and manage it effectively with appropriate reality testing).
Creativity
If you are capable of independence and independent thought - it means that you trust your mind and the ideas that it provides. Because of this relationship between self-trust and the ideas that your mind produces, you are likely to be more creative. Additionally, because you have respect for the ideas that your mind produces, you are far more likely to follow through on your ideas.
Independence
Independence is a natural and healthy consequence of thinking for oneself, and being able to handle appropriately the challenges of life. It is indicative of healthy self-esteem.
Flexibility and ability to manage change
To be flexible is to be able to respond to change without inappropriate attachments binding one to the past. A clinging to the past in the face of new and changing circumstances is itself a product of insecurity, a lack of self-trust.
If you trust yourself, you are far more likely to be flexible - because you are not afraid of change, not afraid of new ideas, and not afraid of using your mind to achieve a desired result.
A mind that trusts itself is light on its feet.
Willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes
A basic characteristic of healthy self-esteem is a strong reality orientation. Facts are a higher priority than beliefs. Truth is a higher value than having been right. Consciousness is perceived as more desirable than self-protective unconsciousness. If self-trust is tied to respect for reality, then correcting an error is esteemed above pretending not to have made one.
Benevolence and cooperativeness
A child who is treated with respect, tends to internalize that respect and then treat others with respect.
In contrast to a child who is abused, internalizes self-contempt, and grows up reacting to others with fear and rage. If you are respected, and you are treated with respect, then you have no reason to lash out and disrespect others.
If we are centered within ourselves, secure in our own boundaries, and treat ourselves with respect - and have a good relationship with ourselves - we have no reason to treat others with disrespect and hurtfulness. We would want others to feel as we do. We do not have hatred boiling over.
If I am secure in my right to exist, confident that I belong to myself, unthreatened by certainty and self-confidence in others, then cooperation with them to achieve shared goals tends to develop spontaneously. Such a response is clearly to my self-interest, satisfies a variety of needs, and is not obstructed by fear and self-doubt.