Chapter 7 - The Practice of Self-Acceptance
Note to the reader: This is chapter 7 of an 11 part series of notes / important ideas gathered from my reading of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.
Self-acceptance has a very intimate relationship with self-esteem. These two concepts are often confused. Branden gives the following explanation:
Whereas self-esteem is something we experience, self-acceptance is something we do. Stated in the negative, self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself.
The author chooses to explore this concept further, on three levels.
The First Level
To be self-accepting, is to be for myself. In the most fundamental sense, self-acceptance is an orientation of self-value and self-commitment derived from the fact that I am alive and conscious. As such, it is more primitive than self-esteem. It is a pre-rational, pre-moral act of self-affirmation.
Self-acceptance entails the declaration: “I choose to value myself, to treat myself with respect, and to stand up for my right to exist”. This primary act of self-affirmation is the basis on which self-esteem develops.
It is “selfishness” in the most noble, and least understood sense of the word.
The Second Level
Self-acceptance entails our willingness to experience our thoughts and feelings. It is our willingness to experience the truth of our actions and our being. To experience means, to be present to, to stand in the light of, to accept that that which is, is. If I’m feeling angry, accept that I am feeling this way. If I have made a mistake, accept, be present to, and stand in the light of it. Self-acceptance entails being present to the facts of reality, that which is, is. Note that accepting does not necessarily mean liking, but it is the acknowledgment that that which is, is.
Self-acceptance is the prerequisite to growth and change. If you cannot accept the facts of your reality, you cannot hope to change them. If you cannot accept that you have made a mistake, you cannot hope to correct it. If you cannot accept that you feel a certain way, or have a certain attribute in your character, you cannot hope to find a way to correct it. You cannot correct or change that which you do not acknowledge as true. You cannot forgive yourself for an action you have not admitted to taking.
We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny. And for those things we cannot change, when we accept them we grow stronger and more centered; when we curse and protest them, we disempower ourselves.
Often, when we experience negative feelings and stand in the presence of them - they tend to go away. Unwanted feelings that have been experienced, and accepted, tend to relinquish center stage once they have had their say.
A few quotes by the author:
Self-acceptance is the willingness to say of any emotion or behavior, “This is an expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but an expression nonetheless, at least at the time it occurred.” It is the virtue of realism, that is, of respect for reality, applied to the self.
To “accept” is more than simply to “acknowledge” or “admit”. It is to experience, stand in the presence of, contemplate the reality of, absorb into my consciousness. I need to open myself to and fully experience unwanted emotions, not just perfunctorily recognize them.
Branden cautions that to accept one’s feelings does not mean that emotions are to have the last word. A person can admit that they feel tired at the beginning of the work day, and then proceed to going to work. The benefit of acceptance is that you will work with a clearer mind, and you will not have begun your day with self-deception.
The Third Level
Self-acceptance entails being a friend to oneself. Suppose I have done something that is wrong, or that I condemn. After I take responsibility for my actions, I can ask myself “Why did that seem like a good idea when I did it?” Self-acceptance entails being concerned with the “why” behind my actions.
The author states that being a friend to oneself in such a way can reduce the likelihood of unwanted behaviors. If I have done something wrong, or morally reproachable - self-acceptance does not make it right. It does not rationalize my behavior, or twist reality to make a wrong seem justified. Self-acceptance asks why a certain behavior seemed like the right choice at a given moment. It means being a friend to oneself.
We do not understand another human being when we know only that what he or she did is wrong, unkind, destructive, or whatever. We need to know the internal considerations that prompted the behavior. There is always some context in which the most offensive actions can have their own kind of sense. This does not mean they are justified, only that they can be understandable.
Just as when we need to reproach or correct others, we should wish to do so in ways that do not damage self-esteem - since future behavior will be shaped by self-concept - so we should bring this same benevolence to ourselves.
Listening To Feelings
Both the acts of accepting and disowning are implemented through a series of mental and physical processes.
The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions entails the following:
- Focusing on the feeling or emotion.
- Breathing gently and deeply, allowing muscles to relax, allowing the feeling to be felt.
- Making real that this is my feeling (which we call owning it).
The act of denying and disowning our emotions entails the following:
- Avoid awareness of the emotion.
- Constrict our breathing and tighten our muscles to cut off or numb feeling.
- Disassociate ourselves from our own experience (in which state we are often unable to recognize our feelings).
When we allow ourselves to fully experience our emotions and accept them - we are able to move to a deeper level of awareness where important information may present itself.
The first steps of healing and growth are awareness and acceptance - consciousness and integration. They are the fountainhead of personal development.
When Self-Acceptance Feels Impossible
There are times when a certain event or action is so distressing that it feels impossible to accept it. There is a resistance to accept that something happened. Fighting the resistance to accept will not dissolve the resistance. Instead, one should accept the resistance.
Resistance needs constant opposition in order to exist. If you accept your resistance, you will feel that it begins to melt. If you cannot accept a certain fact or event, start by accepting your resistance to the acceptance. If you cannot accept the experience, accept the resistance.
Two Fallacies
The author states that in his practice, he has encountered two fallacious assumptions when teaching the practice of self-acceptance. The first is that if we accept who and what we are, we must approve of everything about us. The other is the belief that if we accept who and what we are, we are indifferent to change or improvement. “I don’t want to accept myself! I want to learn to be different.”
If we cannot accept what is, where will we find the motivation to improve? If we deny and disown what is, where will we be inspired to grow?
Acceptance of what is, is the precondition of change. And denial of what is leaves me stuck in it.